Give way to your worst impulse

My worst impulse would be to talk about myself without the guise of fiction. It is always so much easier to talk about my own feelings through that particular tint, but in reality, I am only commenting on my own vision of reality. This particular prompt is forcing me to talk about an issue that is important to me both on the surface and deep inside. At first, I wanted to talk about sex or impulse or something exciting, but, in truth, what I really been thinking about lately is the lack of indelibility that is my existence. To me, I am the most important thing. I am all I have been and all I will be for the beginning and end of (my) existence, and I am scared shitless of that. Deep down, everyone wants to live past his or her years. And, what I can’t fully wrap my head around is that, outside of children, I will probably not have any effect on the future. I don’t count children directly because they are an amalgamation of my own being and that is more of a progressive action rather than an antidote to the question at hand. How do we leave our mark on the world?

It is entirely egotistical to hope to be remembered, and with an ever increasing population and so much history piling up in every nook and cranny of every local library, we are not left with many options. My train of thought drifts for a second and, in thinking, I find that it is far easier to live in history as an infamous character than a hero. It has taken an incalculable number of heroes to get to the point we are at now, but it is the ultimate villains that are discussed and remembered. I think this comes from the idea that we are in awe of what we both cannot comprehend and fear. In some way, an act of aggression or violence vastly outweighs altruism because of our inherent fear of injury. Maybe that is a lie. Maybe it’s just that evil doing is momentary where as piety takes a lifetime and nobody wants to have to dedicate a lifetime to anything anymore. A lifetime now is so much longer than it was a hundred years ago. Then, what is it?

If the ultimate purpose of living is to be alive, why do we waste so much time of effect. It would be much more proactive to just be the cause. I really don’t have any answers to these questions and I feel pretty silly about bringing this up at all. It’s just the first and most overriding series of thoughts that came into my mind when I got this prompt, and now I’m going to post this entry without editing it. For some reason, I think that is important.